what to do when one of you wants to have sex less than the other and it's affecting your relationship

This is called a desire discrepancy.

It's one of the most common things couples come to my work with.

80% of couples will experience it at some point.

And for a lot of couples, it becomes a topic that puts tension and pressure on their relationship.

Here’s what not to do.

The lower libido one: Don't say yes when you're only tolerating it. Your body keeps score, and eventually it starts saying no earlier and earlier.

The higher libido one: Don't stop reaching for your partner altogether.

Both of these quietly build resentment.

This discrepancy is not something to fix but rather something you get curious about together.

Instead, Start with these questions…

Ask the higher libido partner:

“What do you enjoy about having sex? (aside from having an o)”

(Sometimes it's about closeness or reassurance, or surrendering or proof that you're still okay.)

Ask the higher libido partner:

“What are all the ways and activities we can achieve this? ”

Ie: if it was closeness, build a list of ativities that bring you close together. It takes the pressure off every single touch having to be a question.

Ask the lower libido partner:

“What are ways you enjoy connecting intimately?” (for some people it is having conversations or cuddling or cooking together).

Initiating with either of these rather than tryingto directly aim for sex might be a transition that makes them more open to the idea of having sex,

If you would like support on this topic and to learn more about my work, send me an email at velvet@velvetlilith.com