The grief that comes with self worth
It took me years of work to get here, knowing my needs, holding my boundaries, communicating them clearly, growing inside my relationships instead of shrinking. It took a lot of mistakes and learning from them, and I’ll make more, because I’m human. But I’m clear about who I am and what I want.
I’ll give people a real chance. And I won’t keep showing up where I’m not being met after I’ve explicitly given that chance.
Does it feel f$ing good to be in that place? Absolutely! Most days… And sometimes there’s grief in that too.
Because not everyone has the capacity to meet me. Including people I genuinely like. Including people I genuinely love, like my ex partner of six years.
He’s still part of my life, somewhere between friend and family. I love him. I couldn’t meet his needs anymore, and he couldn’t meet mine. Separating was heartbreaking because there was still a lot of love. And I’m deeply grateful for the way we’re still in each other’s lives because of that love and honouring we have for each other and because we both energy into transitioning and cultivating a new type of relationship.
Sometimes honouring yourself will look like grief and clarity holding hands.
And I see that’s where I see a lot of people abandon themselves: because they don’t want to lose a relationship, they feel like they’re too demanding or high maintenance simply for having needs, because they don’t want to be alone… And look, a past version of myself has done this for all of the reasons above so I absolutely get it!
Just to be clear: relationships require work and compromise. A lot of pop psychology insinuates that when things get hard they’re not meant to be, or confuses needs with demands and boundaries with requests. Relationships don’t just happen, they take genuine work. Discarding people at the first sign they’re not meeting a need of yours is not what I’m suggesting here. That trend is another product of pop psychology and dating apps: people becoming disposable, relating becoming transactional. To let people meet you, you have to be clear about your needs, values, how you’d like to be met and how they can meet you and communicate these clearly.
Now that i’ve put in the disclaimer for pop psychology enthusiasts, let’s close this parenthesis.
Some days, knowing your worth might feel like it comes at a price. And that price can look like loss.
A price well worth paying.
Because the reward of respecting and honouring yourself is far greater: self love.
And you’re far more likely to co-create fulfilling, lasting relationships from a place of self love than from self abandonment.
if we haven’t met i’m velvet. I am a somatic sexologist who is passionate about helping people thrive in intimacy and this starts with self worth.
If you would like to learn more about my work, send me a PM.
